


It's Not Like That

by daintylemonsquare



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Canon Asexual Character, Fluff, Half-orc, M/M, Original Character(s), Some angst but not a lot, hand holding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:02:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22599805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daintylemonsquare/pseuds/daintylemonsquare
Summary: Himeros was far from a regular half-orc, unlike Ban, who seemed to embody the concept of it. He was a tank of a figher and Himeros was not. Although, unlike many others who saw his otherness as weakness, Ban saw Himeros as a new, potential friend. After being captured and forced to fend for themselves, Ban and Himeros work with a few companions to get out of their predicament. Himeros expected to be out of their in three to five days. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.
Relationships: Himeros/Ban
Kudos: 3





	It's Not Like That

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction that popped in my head during a D&D campaign I joined late last year. It's a story between my character and another player's character (don't worry I asked if it was okay and I got the okay.)(Hi Knurt!)   
> A lot of details are left vague because I either forgot them or we didn't get to that part of the campaign before my group decided it was best we change campaigns. I took liberties where I could. If you're somehow reading this, and are familiar with the source material, I'm sorry.   
> Also, I want to say that Himeros is one of my first forays in writing an asexual character so if you would like me to take note of something, I'd love to listen to you and learn. Even if I think I'm doing a good job now, I'd love to know where I could improve.   
> I think that's it. I'll put a playlist of songs I listened to while writing this at the end of the story lol. Hope u enjoy.

As Himeros tried to find a comfortable position in an uncomfortably still, damp boat, knowing that the sky wasn’t there when he looked up kept sleep at bay. He wasn’t a stranger to restless nights. (Or days. He couldn’t tell anymore.) He slept on tables at the archive, earning a kink in his neck. He slept on rocks, on days the archive asked him to travel on a research trip. He slept on the itchy hammock outside of his house. And Wildmother knew his bed wasn’t that great. Not on an archive sage’s salary. 

Despite that, Himeros always found comfort in something. The smell of books. The soft sound of a forest breeze. The clouds in the morning and the stars at night. The often tender touch of the sun after a long day indoors. There wasn’t any of that here in what he believed to be the Underdark. 

Himeros had done his crying. When he found himself bound and gagged and blindfolded. When he was thrown into his cell. When he escaped captivity only to find a vast lake with no way out except aimless rowing. It was clear that home—the sun, the stars, Papa’s cooking, his well-worn books—was many struggles away. 

He supposed it could’ve been worse. He could’ve been just a regular half-orc. His connection to nature and the powers that be that gave him his abilities held strong even though he was somewhere so far from where he first earned them. 

And he could’ve been alone. There were instances when Himeros preferred to be alone. Many instances.This wasn’t one of them.

Ban wasn’t the type of person he’d pair up with. He was the epitome of half-orc. Bulky, intimidating, hands-on with his attacks. A front and center type of fighter. Everything Himeros wasn’t. Part of Himeros thought that Ban was more orc that he let on but Himeros wasn’t the type to pry. Ban was. He’d been trying to get Himeros to talk more than a handful of syllables to no avail. Himeros wasn’t great at talking about himself. There was no reason to. He was no one interesting. The one thing that made him interesting was the library he kept to himself back home and he didn’t think Ban would find that riveting. 

Still, he appreciated the friendliness. Most people see him then laugh and poke fun at this runt of a half-orc. Ban hadn’t done any of the sort. In fact, he seemed eager to know more. Himeros was the one who didn’t offer much. He liked the buffer silence though. Even now, Ban hummed to himself as he kept watch, even though there wasn’t much to see. Himeros wanted to offer druidcrafting some lights to make the atmosphere less dreary but then he would be way too aware that Ban would be aware that he was having trouble sleeping. Then Ban would ask him about it. Then Himeros would clam up and reply with a nod and then hide on the other side of the boat where there was nothing to hide behind. 

The song Ban hummed was familiar. Something from the far reaches of his memory was being tugged by his somewhat off-key notes. Maybe it was an orc song. He hadn’t heard one in so long. This sent him on another yearning spree that made tears spring from his scrunched up eyes. 

Himeros counted to a thousand, reminding himself that crying wasn’t going to help. Crying would make Ban ask questions. Himeros wasn’t ready for them. 

Soon enough, around eight hundred eighty-seven and nine hundred twenty-one, around the time Ban decided to tap a beat with his boots and hummed a more jovial song, Himeros found sleep. 

* * *

When consciousness came to him, it came to him in pangs. First, his stomach growled and he tried to ignore it because he was dreaming of the beach. Second, his arm protested under his weight. He yanked it from under him. Hot fuzz ran through his veins as he regained feeling. Third, his neck whined for a different position. Himeros groaned. He desperately clung to his dream that was being washed away with every wave. 

Finally, he noted a weight on his chest. It reminded him of that time his tent fell on him during the night and he hadn’t noticed. He reached for it with his still half-dead arm and came in contact with flesh. He jolted awake, turning into a panther. He bared his teeth. Ban screamed then punched him in the temple. 

“What the Nine Hells?” Ban heaved, dragging his hand down his face. “Himeros?” 

Himeros yowled, running a paw across the spot Ban hit. 

Ban looked around as if to see if there was a half-orc overboard and where this panther came from. When there was nothing to see, he leaned forward. “Himeros?” 

Himeros huffed and grunted. Waking up in a panic wasn’t his favorite. Waking up and already using an ability best suited for more dire moments was less so. 

“I’m sorry I hit you,” Ban continued. “You surprised me!” 

Sleepy anger zipped across Himeros and he had half a mind to chomp on Ban. He closed his eyes and found a spot at the other end of the boat before turning back to normal. He didn’t enjoy having an outburst, even if it was somewhat warranted. A lot of people expected it from half-orcs. For him, it was a “damned if I do it, damned if I don’t” sort of thing. There were those who tried to provoke him and if he wasn’t provoked, they kept teasing until Himeros was able to lock the door behind him. If he was provoked, he’d be the scary half-orc kid everyone avoided. 

“You were supposed to wake me up for my watch,” Himeros said.  _ Not hold me through the night _ , he didn’t say. It sent an unpleasant quiver down his stomach. He wondered if he was crying in his sleep or if he was whining in his sleep and that made Ban have to lie down beside him. Either way, it was embarrassing. 

Ban shrugged. “Nothing was happening and you had a rough go of it. I figured you needed your sleep.” 

He wasn’t weak. He was capable. He wanted to yell that at Ban but he bit on his cheeks, sighing. “Thanks, I guess.” Himeros’ own voice grated on him. He glanced over and Ban was frowning. “I mean, thanks. Just thanks. Thank you.”

“No problem, I guess.” With any other person, it would seem mocking. Himeros glanced again and there was something earnest about his smile. He was teasing, sure, but there was no bite. Not like Himeros’ earlier response. 

“Sorry. Mornings. Waking up,” Himeros said, hanging his head. 

“I get it.” 

“You can keep sleeping, if you want,” he offered. 

“Nah, I’m hungry. And so are you.” Ban’s smile widened at Himeros’ growling stomach. 

Himeros didn’t ask Ban about the cuddling part of the wake up call. Ban didn’t mention it either. In fact, Ban was much quieter. He was still filling the blanks that Himeros left unsaid but he wasn’t making Himeros talk about himself anymore so that was a pocket of silence Himeros could get behind. 

Himeros swam around for fish as a crocodile. Ban speared them with a makeshift spear they managed to sharpen. He didn’t like being in water so dense and weird but they had to eat somehow. Still, if they had to move the boat, Himeros picked rowing over dragging the boat along. Especially after they had to fight some weird bioluminescent cephalopod that Himeros would’ve found fascinating if it weren’t trying to drown them. 

Soon it was the second night of their aimless floating, or what seemed to be night time, and Himeros took watch. This time, he let little flecks of light follow him around. He wasn’t afraid of the dark by any means but it was nice to have around. For a sliver of time, he could imagine he was in a forest filled with fireflies instead of this endless lake. 

An hour and a half into it, Ban stirred then sighed. He sat up. 

“I’m sorry.” Himeros dropped the magic and it was dark again. 

“No, no...that’s fine. I just…” Ban gestured to the air. “I can’t find the right position.” 

“I don’t think you can with a boat this small,” Himeros replied, mostly to himself. 

“Huh.” Ban chuckled. 

“What?” Himeros glanced around, unsure of what Ban saw. 

“You’re kinda funny, you know that?” 

“Oh.” That was a first. He was never around any people long enough to test that theory. His papa found him funny but he figured that was just because he was a kid and parents found whatever their kids did funny no matter the age. 

Neither of them said anything after that. The lights returned. Ban stayed on his side of the boat. It wasn’t too far away. 

“Man, it’s only been two days or something,” Ban started, “and I’m already missing a lot of things. Like steak. I would kill for a nice steak right about now. And something other than water. Ale. Ale is nice. I miss noise. I miss hearing bards and hearing bards fighting with the patrons of a tavern. I miss fresh air. I’m so sick of how damp it smells here, gods.” Ban reached down and punched the lake like that would do anything to help. Maybe it did. Himeros never understood physical coping mechanisms. “And don’t get me wrong, you cook a mean fish filet, but I’m starting to hate it.” Himeros cracked a smile. Ban grinned in response. “And I’m so bored. Like I almost want something to attack us so I’m not bored.” 

“You almost drowned last time,” Himeros said. 

“No, I didn’t. I was handling it just fine,” Ban countered. 

Himeros didn’t argue. He didn’t laugh but he did make an amused sound behind closed lips. 

Ban pointed at him. “Got one. You’re not a humorless half-orc after all.” Himeros smiled and offered nothing more. 

They were quiet again. Ban was slumping against one side of the boat, letting the lights Himeros created weave through his thick but deft fingers. He hummed. Himeros didn’t hum back but he appreciated it. Then, without looking at Himeros, Ban asked, “What do you miss?” It was a softer voice than he was used to hearing from Ban. 

Which was why he felt compelled to give a real answer. “The stars.” 

Ban seemed surprised to hear him say it. Himeros wondered if he paused too long or if he misheard the question. But Ban nodded. “Yeah. I miss the stars too.” 

* * *

It wasn’t long until they found companions. Also people escaping from captivity on the other side of the lake. Himeros was relieved to disappear into the background, in a way. He was relieved that Ban wasn’t in danger of being bored to death with him as his only company. He was relieved that half the party seemed to keep to themselves. He was most relieved to see land and civilization. He was relieved to find money in his pack for food and a room and a map. What he wasn’t relieved about was that the surface was farther away than he thought it would be. It wasn’t an endless series of caverns but it was good as, considering what lurked in all those large nooks and crannies. 

This wasn’t a simple trip through the outskirts of the city. This was a trek. While Himeros found himself working better alone than in a group, this wasn’t a trek he was going to survive without the others.

At least they had a map. That meant direction. And the person who sold Himeros the map was kind enough to provide some information on how to get out of here. 

Himeros contemplated the next few steps as he took his bowl of oatmeal to the table where Ban and their new tiefling friend, Ira, were scarfing down way too much food. 

Ban glanced at Himeros’ bowl and paused to swallow the food in his mouth. “What’s that?” He commented. 

“Oatmeal,” Himeros replied. 

Complete dismay colored Ban’s face. “Ew! Why?!” 

“No wonder you’re so tiny for a half-orc,” Ira added. 

“It’s good food.” Himeros shrugged, hoping to tuck his head away from this loud conversation that was drawing more eyes to their table. 

“We’ve been eating questionable fish for the last I don’t know how long and this is good food for you?!” Ban flapped his hands around the bowl. 

“I’m usually vegetarian.” 

“There are vegetables here,” Ban retorted, though he seemed unsure. 

“I don’t trust vegetables created in the complete absence of light,” Himeros countered. 

“I think they have spells for that.” 

“I don’t see it being casted anywhere.” 

“All of this bickering is really steaming my nuggets,” Ira interrupted. “Can’t you two take this up to your room or whatever?” 

“Oh! Oh, no. We’re not—Ban and I—no.” Himeros wished he just ate his oatmeal. 

“He doth protest too much?” Ira raised an eyebrow. Himeros shrunk into himself. 

“No. Himeros and I are just buds,” Ban said brightly and nudged Himeros with a shoulder. Himeros managed a smile and focused on his oatmeal. The faster he finished it, the faster he could hide behind an actual door and under an actual blanket. 

* * *

Getting out of the Underdark seemed straightforward. Find intel. Give it to the dwarven lady who knew some choice trade routes. Then she would give them a way out. Stopping what seemed to be a cult in what could well be a spider infested cave wasn’t part of that to-do list, yet here they were, in a cave past the sewers filled with webs. 

If he were someone else, if he were Ban, he would’ve tried to dissuade the group from straying away the path they were meant to take. Then again, it seemed like Ban was eager for the adventure. The drow they were tasked to catch was pretty light. Himeros could, in theory, carry him across the underground town. Maybe as a panther, or something bigger. 

But he wasn’t someone else. He wasn’t Ban. He was in no position to run off with anyone. Additionally, he wasn’t going to leave Ban here. He managed to strong arm Himeros into showing him his little family cottage near the beach. That, and Himeros had come to enjoy Ban’s company despite his boisterous personality, though that seemed way too sappy and Ban was too big for such sappy sentiments. 

While Ira and the others were trying to squeeze information out of the drow, Himeros turned himself into a giant wolf spider. He’d been in a similar situation and learned the spiders could sense other spiders through the webs. It seemed like a good idea at the time until some of his party members had an adverse reaction to the sudden giant spider in their midst. 

“Wait! Wait!” Ban raised his arms against the drawn weapons. “It’s Himeros. See! He’s green.” It was dark and darkvision didn’t give them a lot of ways to see color. “A-And see!” He pointed to the tuff of swoopy hair that hung over one set of eyes. “He does this sometimes. It’s really cool.” 

With the party pacified and Himeros relieved that he didn’t have to waste the energy it took to change his shape to explain the situation, he climbed up the webs. There was one spider. A big one. And they had to pass it. 

If a spider could gulp, he did it. 

Before Himeros could do anything about it, he was being picked up. “Alright, let’s go! Lead the way, drow man. And you,” he looked at Himeros, “can hang out here.” He led Himeros onto his shoulder and his broad back. Not many people would so easily and willingly carry a spider like that, let alone a giant wolf one. Even Papa became squeamish when he turned into the more unsavory animals. And maybe it was the spider body but Ban’s warmth felt nice. 

* * *

They had gone farther off course than Himeros had thought they would. They killed more people than they thought they would. He didn’t think a couple of those people they killed were part of the cult either. Then, there was the dragon egg. This was a detour that Himeros could get behind. 

He even started bonding with Ira a little more too, when she expressed she wanted to take care of the baby dragon within. 

“Aw, sweet! We get to be dragon parents!” Ban hugged the egg. “Hey little guy. I’m Ban. Your cool parent.” Behind them, Ming snorted and clicked their tongue. Kai stared at the egg. Himeros found it so endearing that he felt himself blush. 

“Excuse me.” Ira crossed her arms. “I’m going to be the cool parent. And since I’m a tiefling with guns like these,” she flexed, “I’m the only one really fit to handle a little red dragon.” 

“Nuh uh! I’m totally the cooler parent since I’m caring for them despite it being a danger to my well-being.” 

“Now you listen here—”

“Shh. The baby can hear you in the egg. You wouldn’t want to expose them to such a negative environment so early, would you?” 

“That’s complete boondoggle. Babies can’t hear through eggs.” 

Ban looked to Himeros expectantly. “Tell her!” 

He didn’t know whether or not that was true. Ban pleaded with his eyes and pout. Himeros let out an unconvincing, “Yeah. Sure. They hear through eggs.” Ira stared at him for a moment. Himeros told himself that Ira couldn’t melt him for telling a lie, though he had trouble convincing himself too. Ira leaned into his space. Himeros was about to admit to his sins but she stood erect. 

“You’re the nerd twink so I guess I’ll believe you.” She turned to the egg. “Hello. I’m your mother now.” 

Ban gives Himeros a thumbs-up with an open-mouthed grin. Himeros lifted his thumb close to his chest in response. 

* * *

There were plenty of stories, written in books or sung by bards, that detailed adventurers going against dragons young and ancient alike. The characters were portrayed either as epic demigods or scrappy idiots who were accidentally clever enough to survive their encounter. Sometimes, it was a tragic cautionary tale. No matter how it went, Himeros wouldn’t have imagined that he’d ever part of a story like that. 

Until they had to free a red dragon from enslavement after finding out they were only there because a handful of people were keeping the egg hostage. Even then, it wasn’t a conventional dragon story.

He had a moonbeam up and apart from getting hit by a cone of flame (not from the dragon), he was doing just fine. In fact, he thought they were going to clean up before the minute was over. Time stretched with each blow traded between his party and the other. He ran around as a panther, moving the beam, finding the right time to pounce. He didn’t think he’d get hit again until he saw Ban fall and Ira getting hit from all sides. It took him a second to realize Ban wasn’t getting up.Time stretched even farther as the large armored assailant continued hitting Ira. 

Himeros broke into a sprint. He pounced onto the assailant, biting through armor. They didn’t fall over but it was enough of a distraction. He shed the panther form. His hands shook over Ban’s battered body. He wished he could stay in the form but it didn’t allow him to cast any more spells. He cursed his inability to focus for even a second. He cursed Ban’s lack of armor under his breath. He understood that it was a monk thing but he could’ve at least put a shirt on. (Not that shirts provided ample cover against sharp blades and other attacks but Himeros’ mind was not in a logical place.) 

“C’mon, c’mon, c’mon you can’t die on me now,” Himeros stammered. A warm breeze flew across his palms and Ban jerked awake. “Oh thank the Wildmother.” He breathed. 

Ban groaned. “Smells like oatmeal.” 

Himeros found himself laughing like the closest thing he had to a close friend wasn’t about to die two seconds ago. “Shut up and—”

Ban’s eyes widened. “Watch out!” He pushed Himeros down before he could get hit with a battleaxe. 

* * *

One dragon ride, one sleep, and one semi-treacherous trek later, they were in a different city. Despite its ruined areas, it had farms, a more forgiving social atmosphere, and a hole to the surface. Himeros cried at the sight of sunlight.

A heavy hand fell on his shoulder. “You okay?” Ban asked.

“Yeah. Just happy.” Himeros sniffled. 

Approaching it made his stomach flutter and a surge of motivation rocked through him. He wished he could fly and forget this horrid experience ever happened. Unfortunately, the powers that be didn’t allow him those forms just yet. And he couldn’t abandon the people he was with. They deserved the surface as much as he did. Plus, Ban wouldn’t let him hear the end of it if he did. 

The temptation lingered. Himeros drew in a deep breath of fresh air and sighed. It was a step closer, at least. The detours now seemed all worth the confusion and strife. 

They found a tavern to settle in, a few potential jobs that would later help them access the way up, and a little shop of weapons for their fighters. Himeros decided to walk around and explore the farms, trying to look at green things that weren’t him or Ban. He spoke to animals who seemed content being here. He found a park under the hole and bathed in the light until it began to set. Then he stayed there, watching the stars twinkle into view. He reminisced about home. Papa must’ve been worried sick and he wished he could contact him so he’d know he was alive. After his other parent left (the orc one) for a battle and never came back, Papa wasn’t the same and it took him a while to get back into the swing of things. He’d have to find a bird and ask for a favor the next morning. 

After finding as many constellations as he could, and wishing upon three different shooting stars, Himeros picked himself up and walked to the tavern. He found himself smiling. He didn’t smile when he was alone. Resting orc face, and all that. He didn’t smile when he was around other people but he noted that he did smile around the people he was with. Around Ban. 

Himeros was contemplating his newfound friends when he reached the second floor of the tavern and found Ban in the process of walking into his room with a mug of what Himeros assumed to be ale. Ban’s shoulders sagged. “Was wondering where you went off to,” he said. He closed his door and leaned on the frame. 

“I was stargazing,” Himeros answered, leaning against the opposite frame. 

Ban pointed at him with an amused sound passing his lips. “I knew it. That hole should’ve been the first place I looked.” Then he became bashful in a way that Himeros didn’t understand. “Oh! Not like that. I mean, it is a hole but—you know. I don’t mean…” He chuckled, sipping his drink. 

“Sorry? I think you’ll need to explain that one for me.” It didn’t sound like Ban was making fun of him but he would like to know the joke so he wouldn’t be the butt of it later on. Also, he wanted to be able to laugh alongside Ban. That was what friends did, he believed. 

Ban waved his hand. “Don’t worry about it.” 

“Okay.” 

Himeros was so used to silence that he sometimes forgot that Ban wasn’t. He pushed himself off the frame and said, “Goodnight. Don’t drink too much.” 

Ban barked out a short laugh. “I’m a half-orc. I’ll drink as much as I’ll please.” He patted his bare stomach. 

“Still.” Himeros smiled then began walking to his room. 

“Hey.” Himeros stopped and turned. “If you ever go stargazing again, invite me next time?” 

“Sure, of course.” Himeros could feel himself turn a warmer shade of green. His heart raced. “I’m sorry. I should’ve—you were having fun with Ira and Zhula. I didn’t want to—” 

“It’s okay. Tell me next time though.” There was a short pause. Ban held Himeros’ gaze. Not in a threatening way, but in a soft, potentially alcohol dampened way. “I want to look at the stars too.” He turned towards his drink. 

Himeros’ racing heart tripped and stumbled. The joints in his spine quivered in a way that he wasn’t used to. Ban was dangerous in many ways but he wasn’t a danger to him. Ban wouldn’t hurt him. Himeros was so certain of that fact that it sent another soft zing up his back. “Okay. Okay, yeah. Next time.” He unlocked his door and said, “Goodnight again.” 

“Goodnight.” Ban raised his mug. 

Himeros threw himself into his room, pressing his head against the closed door. Ban wasn’t upset with him. That was what he should take away from that conversation. Nothing else. He wasn’t used to having this kind of relationship, let alone with another half-orc. All these jitters were new. There would be time to unpack them in the morning. 

He opened the window. It wasn’t in direct view of the hole but he could still see the starlight and what little moonlight that filtered through. He found his calm again. 

* * *

It was late in the afternoon. A relaxing afternoon, for once. Himeros had gone to one of the less lush farms early in the morning to give it a little bump in health. No one asked him to do this, he just liked seeing farms thrive. The city needed some love following a random raid from a neighboring city, the same city that kidnapped him and his companions for some sort of eldritch sacrifice. Himeros believed that growth created hope. He couldn’t pass up the opportunity. He would’ve invited Ban but he was still sound asleep when dawn broke. 

He savored the leisurely walk he had going back to the tavern. Tomorrow, when they got their upgraded stuff back, there was an ooze problem to deal with. From what he heard, there was a Slime King that even Zhula, their resident slime warlock, wasn’t aware of. It promised to be a long day. 

The tavern was packed and he wasn’t about that life. Himeros got a large bowl of oatmeal to enjoy upstairs. There, he found Ban sitting by his open door, staring at Ming’s room across the hall. 

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“I’m trying to get to know Ming better,” Ban said. “I left them a note and a drawing. They should be responding soon.” 

Knowing Ming and their aloof ways, Himeros doubted Ban would get a response this way. Still, his persistence with his friendship was admirable. “Can I...wait with you?” 

“Sure! Grab a seat.” Then he added, in a louder voice, “Oh Himeros. You want to hang out? I love hanging out and getting to know people. It would be so fun if we had a third person here!” 

Himeros chuckled and set his bowl on the floor. He turned into a wolf. Having the excuse of not being able to make small talk was the best way to hang out. It felt a lot less awkward to be near Ban as a wolf than an orc. 

“Sweet,” Ban exclaimed and ruffled Himeros’ head with both of his hands. Himeros couldn’t go wrong with a canine form. “I wish you wouldn’t eat that stuff but who can say no to a face like that?” Himeros barked. He shook his body to set his fur back in place. Ban laughed and patted his head. Himeros ate his oatmeal in peace. 

* * *

They were beaten and battered and some of them needed new armor but the ooze problem was solved. There was a small celebration scraped together for them. Enthusiastic praise wasn’t the type of praise Himeros was comfortable with. He tried to smile but it was not on right. The more he thought about it, the more he thought how it might’ve looked like a snarl and then everyone would hate him for being ungrateful for the city’s gratefulness. Seeing the others enjoy themselves (apart from Ming, who managed to disappear early on), he didn’t want to spoil that.

He took a large bowl of mixed greens and an extra assortment of food then headed straight for the tavern. He knocked on Ming’s closed door. “I’ll leave the food on the floor,” he announced. The moment he closed his door, there was a quiet creak. He smiled to himself. Later on, he found a note saying “Thank you” slipped through the crack. 

The window was open. He could still hear the party going on a block away. He breathed in the smell of rain coming from the surface. If it were any other day, he would’ve rushed there and stood under the downpour. At the moment, he didn’t think his immune system could handle it. He couldn’t let himself get sick here. Not when leaving this forsaken place was around the corner. Still, he allowed himself to yearn for it. 

He summoned lights overhead and took out a book he uncovered under the Slime King’s throne. It’d been a while since his last book. This was, surprisingly, a fictional one. Most of the outer cover was gone but it was still good. He could pretend like he was home for a little while. 

After several pages and the rain easing into an imperceptible patter, someone called his name. Looking up from the book and out the window, there was Ban. Himeros waved. “We missed you at the party,” he shouted through cupped hands. 

Himeros put down the book and leaned out the window. “Not my scene.”

“What?!” 

He laughed and gestured Ban over. He obeyed. “I said it’s not my scene.” 

“I know,” Ban replied, waggling his body from side to side, “but it’s for us! They’re partying because we did something fantastic. We’re, like, famous now.” 

Himeros laughed. “I don’t think famous is the word but sure.” 

“Why did you leave?” 

Himeros wasn’t sure this was the place to have this conversation. He was sure there were other people in neighboring buildings who could be trying to sleep. “Are you drunk?” 

“A little, but that doesn’t answer my question!” 

“Ban,” Himeros chided and pressed a finger to his lips. Then he motioned Ban inside. Ban didn’t protest. Himeros rushed around his room for a tankard and poured water from his pack into it. He wasn’t much of a drinker but he knew how to alleviate it. When it became clear his other parent wasn’t coming back, Papa wasn’t too stable and Himeros learned a lot that year. 

Ban went in for the hug the moment he was close enough. The full tankard spilled a little over Himeros’ hand and Ban’s back. “Woah, hey. Okay.” Himeros patted him. “This is happening.” 

“Why did you leave the party, bud?” Ban’s words stuck and crashed into one another.

“It might surprise you to learn this, and you’ll need to take a seat, but I’m not a party person,” Himeros replied. Ban laughed so hard that Himeros had to shush him. He sat down. Himeros handed him the tankard. 

“No, thank you. I’d rather see you get drunk,” he said, poking Himeros on the stomach. 

“It’s water.” Ban groaned. “It’s good for you. Drink up.” 

“Fine,” he whined. 

Himeros beside Ban on the bench. The tavern was empty, no doubt providing its services to the ongoing revelry. Ban chugged all the water, setting the tankard down with a thud. He put his elbow on the table and leaned on his hand. He stared at Himeros. 

“What?” Himeros asked. 

“You didn’t answer my question.” 

“I believe I did.” 

“But I laughed too hard to remember it.” 

Himeros laughed and kept the grin on. For someone who’d been kidnapped and put through the wringer just to get to the surface, he was smiling more often than he thought he would. He never knew how infectious a positive attitude was until Ban. 

“Well, like I said,” Himeros started, “I’m not a party person. I like my solitude. I don’t like loud noises and all that jostling praise. I appreciate it. Just in small doses.” 

“But I’m a walking loud noise,” Ban joked. 

“I’m used to you,” he said.  _ I like your noise _ , he didn’t say. 

“Just used to me?” Ban pretended to be offended. “I thought we were more than that, Mr. Wavey!” Himeros shushed him again. “Sorry.” 

“I’m not ‘just’ used to you,” he said. “You’re good company to have around and when I tell you to stop being loud, you stop.” Ban puffed his chest at that. Himeros laughed again at this silly half-orc. “I can’t tell a whole crowd to stop.” 

“You could if you turn into a grizzly bear.” Ban gestured with his arms how big and scary this potential “be quiet” grizzly bear was. 

Himeros chuckled behind his lips. “I suppose, but then I’ll get negative attention and I’m already having trouble with the positive type.” Ban conceded with a nod. He kept nodding. His eyes drooped. 

Himeros put a hand on Ban’s shoulder. “Shall we bring you to bed?” Ban’s eyes fluttered and he didn’t reply. He kept looking. “Ban?” 

“Huh? Yeah. Uh, bed. Yeah.” Ban stood up then teetered until Himeros caught him. “Thanks.” He put an arm around Himeros. 

Climbing up the stairs was successful. Ban was humming a song that echoed from the party. Ban gave Himeros his key. As Himeros began opening the door, Ban pressed his head between Himeros’ shoulder blades. Both his arms were propped against the door, flanking Himeros. 

“I’m going to open the door now.”

“Yup.” 

“Your arms are still on the door.” 

“They are.” 

“We’re going to fall if I open the door and you’re putting your weight on it.” 

“Really?” 

Himeros smiled to himself and shook his head. He turned around. Ban raised his head. They were a few breaths away. Ban kept his arms braced against the door. This was the longest Himeros maintained eye contact with anyone other than his parents and a few instructors at the archive. This time, it felt different in a way that Himeros hadn’t felt before, though he attributed it to the newness of his friendship with Ban. 

Himeros raised the key. “You think you can manage to lock it behind you?” 

Ban’s eyes darted around his face, in directions Himeros couldn’t catch. “Yeah,” he finally said. 

“Okay.” He reached down to Ban’s trousers and Ban gasped.

“What—”

“I’m just putting the key in your pocket. I’m not going to stab you.” When the joke didn’t land, Himeros figured it was time to slip into his room once more. 

“Goodnight, Ban.” Himeros ducked under one of Ban’s arms. “Sleep well.” 

“You too.” 

As Himeros closed his door, he listened to Ban sigh a long sigh and close his door too. It was an eventful night for everyone. He wondered if Ira needed someone to help her back to bed and remembered that she was still with Zhula and Kai. They should be fine. 

* * *

Himeros bought a falcon. There wasn’t much in terms of renting around where they were so he guessed he had a pet now. Ban insisted that they should name the bird. He was listing off names, the first ones that came to mind. Meanwhile, Himeros’ magic made him speak to the bird. 

“She says her name is—well, it’s in auran, but it roughly translate to Stabiline,” Himeros said.

“Oh.” Ban crossed his arms. “Couldn’t you have done that before I went on a full rant about names?” 

“Yeah, but where’s the fun in that?” Himeros giggled. Ban shoved him and Stabiline squawked in protest. 

They went to the hole to the surface. They were leaving soon, for sure, but he’d rather have news of his continued life reach Papa sooner. He’d already lost one orc, Himeros couldn’t stand the idea of him thinking he’d lost another. In the note he secured on Stabiline’s leg, he made sure that she would be fed when she arrived. He gave Stabiline clear instructions of what to look for and which direction to go. The map was another expense that Ban insisted he pay for. He didn’t have to but Himeros was grateful nonetheless. 

“I think that’s everything.” Himeros did one last once over of Stabiline then glanced around to see Ban chewing on a snack they bought in the marketplace. Then it hit him. “Oh!” 

Ban’s head whipped towards him. “What?” 

“I’m sorry. Did you need to write anyone yourself? I didn’t even think to ask! I’m so sorry. Should we buy another falcon? Give Stabiline another note? You can do another note, right, Stabbies?” 

She tilted her head. “As long as they feed me too, sure, why not?” 

“She says she can.” 

Ban shook his head. “Nah.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah. Never really had anything up there. Got more down here,” he said. 

“Oh. Okay.” Himeros turned to Stabiline. “Ready?” The falcon nodded. “Wildmother be with you.” Then he launched her upward. 

They watched Stabiline disappear into the afternoon. Himeros was filled with hope. He turned his smile to Ban, who was already looking at him. “Now that’s done, we should prepare for the journey ahead. Wanna keep doing errands with me?” 

“There’s nothing better to do,” he replied, snorting. 

By the time the sun began to set, they were all ready to go. From what it looked like on the maps, it would take a little over a week to get to Himeros’ hometown on foot. Ira’s usual stomping grounds was a bit closer so they could restock there, maybe even get some horses if they were inclined and if they would have the coin. Zhula suggested they take a couple more jobs in the area to do so. Ban was enthused by the prospect of hitting things. Himeros would rather leave as soon as possible but saving up for steeds was a logical step. It shouldn’t take more than three days. Five, at most. 

The park underneath the hole was golden. Himeros shifted into a cat the moment they found a nice warm spot. The sky was clear, therefore perfect for stargazing. Himeros did promise, after all. Himeros turned into a loaf of fur near a tree that Ban sat and leaned against. Before long, Ban picked him up and placed him on his lap. 

“Never really had pets growing up,” he explained as he stroked Himeros’ fur. “Always loved animals though. It’s so nice to have a friend who can turn to animals. You’re like the ultimate companion.” Himeros couldn’t respond any other way except purr. “That’s nice.” And it was. Ban was warm under him. The sun was warm everywhere else. Himeros let himself be content. Soon, he would be home and he didn’t have to walk to the sunlight. For now, this was enough. 

Himeros didn’t mean to doze off. It was dark blue by the time he opened his eyes. His legs were curled into his stomach. His head was on warm thighs. Ban was still stroking his hair. 

“Wh—” He yawned. “When? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” He rubbed his eyes with one hand and propped himself on the other. 

“It’s fine. I’d nap too if I were a cat in the perfect sunbeam,” he replied. 

“You didn’t have to keep me on your lap when I shifted back.” Himeros stretched. 

“I didn’t want to wake you.” Ban offered a canteen of water and Himeros thanked him for it. “You woke up just in time,” he added, glancing up the hole. Himeros followed his gaze. The stars were out. “I don’t suppose you want to keep lying down?” 

Himeros shrugged. “We’ll have a busy couple of days. Might as well. You can lie on my lap now, if you want.” 

Ban scrunched his nose. “I’m good.” 

Himeros lied down again, this time with a better view of the endless, dazzling sky. Ban took the space beside him. It was a cool night but Ban was warm enough. Himeros sighed. “Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?” Ban hummed an affirmative. 

“How many constellations can you name?” Ban asked, after a moment of wonder. 

“All of them.” 

Ban laughed. “Shut up. Really?” 

Himeros proceeded to list all of them and pointed out the ones that they could see from their point of view. From time to time, Himeros would have to lace his hand on top of Ban’s—a sizable hand but not as sizable as Ban’s—to help him trace the constellation he was talking about. He also had to press his cheek against Ban’s cheek so that he wouldn’t lose sight of what Ban was seeing. Ban said he didn’t mind, even though they were stuck to one another for most of the night. Himeros didn’t mind either. He never had anyone who was this interested in constellations before and, though a little slow, Ban was a determined learner. That, and he was a nice buffer against the evening’s chill. 

Ban whistled. “You really do know all the constellations. And in alphabetical order.”

“Papa taught me most of them,” Himeros said. “The rest I learned at the archive whenever I had a moment to myself. Considering it’s not the most exciting of places in terms of happenings, I had many moments.” 

“That’s cool.” 

“I hope our lesson wasn’t too intrusive.” Himeros chuckled nervously. “I know you said it was fine but I want to make sure I wasn’t invading your personal space too much.” He faced Ban, who was already looking at him. His head was propped up by an elbow. He didn’t respond right away. His eyes were darting around Himeros’ face, like he was searching for something. 

“Ban? You okay?” 

Ban licked his lips. He cleared his throat. “Yeah. I’m fine. I just wanted to—”

An explosion rocked the ground underneath them and fire sprang in their periphery. Soon enough, screams began to pepper the air. They looked at the scene then at each other. Himeros rolled over and turned into a bear. Ban patted his shoulder. They both lunged into a sprint. 

* * *

The three to five day plan that Himeros had was burned into cinders. The way to the surface was damaged. A few people in the town were missing, seen taken by the drow that raided the city. Eyes were on them. Himeros never liked to have eyes on him, even if he could hide behind the others. He didn’t like them on him even if they were passing over. These eyes were something else. They were filled with hope and righteous fury and hunger for justice and desperation. It was clear they weren’t going anywhere. 

Himeros sent another falcon to his papa. Her name was Clint. 

The road to retribution was tough, but doable. Himeros and the rest of his companions had found their groove, knew each other’s skill sets. Most of the time, it was just hit harder and faster than the enemies. Sometimes, it was more meticulous. Especially after finding out what monstrosity they were summoning with those sacrifices. Still, Himeros worried whether or not they bit off more than they could chew. That they should find a way to the surface and seek more capable hands. 

But there was a time limit now, they realized from the notes they gathered from a fallen enemy conjurer. Going back to the surface and looking for replacements, now that they were this deep into the Underdark, would take too long. They had to commit or face the end of it all.

“I know you’re afraid,” Ban said while the others rested and they kept watch. Himeros had been quieter than usual ever since they found that horrifying note. “I am too. You’re not alone in that.” 

Himeros closed his eyes with a sigh and stared at the fire he conjured. He glanced at the others, making sure they were asleep. He looked at the protective bubble he also created before they bedded down. None of them offered comfort. Not even Ban. But he was glad for all of it anyway. 

“You’re better at hiding it,” Himeros said. “And…” He shook his head. “I don’t feel like I should be this afraid since I’m always at the back. You, Ira, and Kai are up front and center, getting hit the most. That’s scarier but you take it to stride. You say you’re afraid but you’re so good at hiding it that I’m having a hard time believing you. Meanwhile, there’s me. Someone so far from the epicenter, scared shitless. It feels like you all have to drag me to the next thing. I don’t think I’m Ira’s favorite right now.” 

Ban hesitated then moved closer. He hesitated again before he put a hand over Himeros’. Himeros turned his hand over so he could lace his fingers through Ban’s, anchoring his emotions somewhere. This was no place to have a full on breakdown. Ban stiffened with surprise, took a breath, then relaxed. 

“I’m only brave because I know you and the others have my back,” he says. “I know that if I go down, there will be someone there to revive me. If it were just me and Ira, I won’t be as confident.” He paused, rubbing a thumb along Himeros’ knuckles. “You’re allowed to be as afraid as you are. You were a scholar before this. You’re not built for battles on the regular. I don’t expect you to learn now.”

“But it would help if I did,” Himeros interrupted. “It would be easier on everyone if I sucked it up and channel my inner orc.” 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Ban said, squeezing his hand. “What I’m trying to say is that there’s nothing wrong about being afraid because that’s the normal thing to be. We’d be psychos if we weren’t afraid right now. Reckless psychos. And maybe, sometimes we need reminding that this is a terrifying place to be and what we’re doing is deadly.” 

Himeros tossed the words back and forth in his head. He didn’t expect that to come from Ban, but he was glad it did. He leaned a cheek on Ban’s shoulder. “I really needed to hear that. Thank you.” 

“And that thing you do with that swarm of bugs is pretty hardcore too.” 

Himeros chuckled into Ban’s shoulder to avoid waking the others. Ban always found a way to make him laugh. It was one of the best parts about him. 

They were quiet for the rest of the night. Neither wanted to talk about what they were planning to do the next day of their mission. It reminded Himeros of those days on their little boat. This time, it was far more comfortable with Ban so close. He certainly took the edge away. Himeros even created little blips of light to make the darkness more bearable. He moved them into constellations that Ban struggled to remember. It was the longest Himeros had smiled since they left for this. 

Kai and Ming took the next watch. Ban slept closer to Himeros when they laid down. 

* * *

Fighting was scary but espionage was scarier. 

While their prisons weren’t the most fortified, considering they were able to escape it with only minor complications (they were minor now, anyway), the temple where they were performing their sacrifices and summoning was a foil in their plan. From what Himeros could see, flying around as a bat, there were two ways in: main entrance and through the prison.

They figured going through the prison entrance as a former prisoner would be too noticeable. 

Gathering information as a bat was as easy as it was nerve wracking. They didn’t typically fly down to hang out in busy areas. Not that anyone would be suspicious of it right away. Unless there was a high level mage, then he’d be fucked. At least, being in a beast shape allowed him to shit and pee himself multiple times without anyone judging. He was a tiny furball of anxiety until he got what he needed and he flew back without any incidents. 

Unfortunately, he had to do it again, considering the third entrance: a teleportation circle. Himeros could memorize it. Ming could conjure it. Then they clear up. 

The second go of it brought along Ming and Zhula. Them, to get a lay of the land and gather more intel on the inside, Himeros, to transcribe the circle. 

It was a simple plan. Take out a couple of cultists, disguise as them, get inside, scurry off to wherever, and then meet at a designated spot nearby within an hour and a half. 

Himeros almost felt confident as he wrote the runes and circles down on his notebook. Fear pounded on his ears. His breaths came in short huffs. A smile began to form as he finished the last rune and he double checked if he missed anything. They were so close to the end. And they might actually survive this. 

Then he heard Ming’s voice. “We were made. Sorry. Run back to camp. Did you get the circle?” 

Himeros needn’t be told twice. “Yes. I hope you guys are okay. Wildmother be with you.” He was much more religious these days, he was figuring out. 

He cast a spell that would make him harder to find then turned into the fastest, darkest bird he could think of. He flew close to the ceiling. Cultists were running and yelling about intruders. Outside, something exploded. Himeros flew as high as he could go in the temple and hid in the shadows. It was far less likely that a bird would be down here. The possibility of being seen and the danger that would follow was too high for him to move now. 

He wondered if Ming and Zhula were safe when time passed and the initial hysteria had been placated. Then he waited until the entrance hall grew quiet again before he flew out. He should’ve heard from them by now. Ming had that spell to communicate far distances. If they were fine, Himeros would’ve heard of it. 

He hoped they were simply too tired to cast another spell that magnitude. The alternative would be heartbreaking. 

Soon enough, he could see their camp area in a cave on the outskirts of the city. He was glad to count five when he swooped in. Zhula was leaned against a wall. Ming was tending to her wounds. Ban was pacing back and forth. Ira seemed bored out of her mind. Kai was sitting in a corner, stoic as ever. Himeros shifted back into half-orc after landing near the dimming fire. 

Everyone turned to him when he did. “I’m so glad that you two—oof!” Ban threw himself into Himeros. His large arms were tight around his torso.

“Where the fuck were you?” He squeezed Himeros. “Do you know how scared I—we were?” 

“Speak for yourself,” Ira muttered. 

Himeros returned the hug with a little confusion. “Sorry. There were too many people coming in and out of the entrance. I didn’t want them to notice a bird flying by. It would be too suspicious. But I’m here now. It’s okay.” 

“Did you get it?” Ira asked. Ban was still hugging him. 

“Yes.” Himeros took out his notebook in his back pocket. “We’re ready to rock.” 

Ira took the notebook and grinned. “Finally.” 

* * *

Whatever they were trying to summon, they were successful. And they were able to put it back where it came from after what seemed to be three hours of long combat, instead of the actual two minutes. The temple was coming down on them. Ban was down. So was Zhula. Everyone else was mostly tapped. 

“I guess this is it,” Ira sighed. Cracks webbed beneath them. Debris fell in chunkier bits. 

“We did something good?” Kai asked. 

Ira smiled and for the first time since Himeros knew her, it looked heavy with resignation. “Yes, yes we did, feral boy.” 

Holding Ban’s barely breathing head in his lap, Himeros shook with hopeless rage. This couldn’t be it. They didn’t risk their lives and exorcise a fucking five-headed horror and reattached a chain binding great evils to their own planes of existence to just die afterwards. He wanted to go home. He wanted to see the sun again. He wanted to eat his father’s meals. He wanted to show Ban the beach. He pooled all of his power, every little scrap of it. He screamed. Aloud, it was the loudest roar he ever let go. The first time he sounded like a proper orc. In his head, he yelled for the Wildmother, for the fey that gave him his powers, to not let this be the end. He deserved a favor. He just saved the order of nature, after all. 

Then green, purple, and red light filled the cracks beneath them. Himeros’ body wobbled. His vision blurred. His head was full of clouds and pebbles and sand. He could smell a lush forest in the summer and feel the caress of the Wildmother on the back of his neck. His heart beat grew hard and fast, like it was drilling his blood through his bones. Then there was a flash. An after image of a circle was burned into his eyes for a moment before it faded alongside the light. 

They were back in the cave they camped in and had their little pep talk from Ira and Ban before everything went down. Himeros was close to exhaustion. It was the kind of exhaustion that left him invigorated with loopiness. They were safe. They were alive. 

Ira began to laugh, tears streaming down her face. Kai stared at him with surprise. Ming smiled, also the first time he saw them do so since they met. “Good job, Himeros.” They moved over and touched Zhula, who jolted awake with a gasp. 

“We’re alive?” She slurred. 

“Thanks to the orc twink,” Ira answered, still giggling. “Wildmother be with us, goddamn!” She cheered. 

Himeros grinned too. He looked down at Ban and managed to cast a healing spell. 

Ban didn’t stir. 

He cast it again. 

Still nothing. 

Exhaustion started to creep at the edges of his vision and fingertips. He forced it away. “Ban?” He said in a broken whisper. Ban wasn’t breathing anymore. He touched Ban’s neck. No pulse. “M-Ming?” 

“I…” Ming took out a diamond. Their last diamond. “I’m tapped. I’m sorry.” 

“No.” Himeros glanced around. The celebration disappeared from everyone’s faces. “No,” Himeros whimpered. Tears began to spring out. “No, he was alive! I was holding him! He was still breathing!” 

Ira put a hand on his shoulder. “These things happen. It’s not your fault. You did what you could for all of us to get out of there.”

“We were just too late,” Ming added. 

Himeros growled. “Not if I have anything to say about it!” He snatched the diamond out of Ming’s hand. He laid Ban flat on the floor and positioned himself by Ban’s torso.

“Himeros—” Ming started.

“I’m not tapped! I can do it! Tell me how! We have a minute!” 

“I don’t think it works that way.” 

“Please, Ming!” His face broke into tears. “Please.” His anger couldn’t keep grief like that at bay. “I can’t lose him. Not now. He’s my best friend.” 

Ming glanced at the others then knelt across Himeros. She held Himeros’ hand, the one holding the diamond, and led it over Ban’s motionless chest. “Breathe. Focus on that breath. All that life coming in and out of you. Tap into your power. Imagine...I don’t know...imagine Ban alive. Think of what made him alive.” 

Himeros breath shuddered and he forced it to steady in an exhale. He thought of all the dumb jokes Ban made. He thought of the speed in which he fought. He imagined him humming all those songs. He imagined that night under the stars. He imagined that heat that he found himself more familiar with than he thought. He remembered how Ban’s hand felt around his. 

“Take your powers,” Ming continued. “Call on your Wildmother. Mix it with all of what you’re imagining and push it through the diamond.” 

Every nerve in his body felt alive and electrified. He was warm. Warm in a way that Ban made him warm. Then he grew cold. All this power surged through him. His hands buzzed like he was covered in ants that were literally on fire. Then he heard something shatter. His hand was flat on Ban’s chest. He didn’t want to open his eyes. He was going to pray that this worked until Ming had to pry his hands away from Ban. 

Then, a strong pulse beneath his palm. Then, a cough, followed by another, and another. Tears came in harder, this time because of relief. 

“Is everyone okay?” Ban’s voice cracked with every syllable. 

Himeros laughed. That laughter turned into hiccuping tears. He sat on his side. He sobbed against Ban’s chest, revelling in the sound of his heartbeats. An uncertain hand ran through the back of Himeros’ head, holding him. He couldn’t hear whatever conversation was happening. Every bruise, every spell cast, and every stroke of luck was catching up to him and he was tired. 

“Himeros?” Ban’s chest vibrated with his name. Himeros looked up. “Thank you.” Then Ban pulled him into a kiss. Their first kiss together. Himeros’ first kiss overall. 

It was odd. Himeros never did find himself attracted to anyone in a way that made him feel the need to kiss them. He could recognize attractiveness in an objective sense but he’d never wanted. He never felt the need for experiences like this. In many books, there was talk of sparks, of brightness, of explosions, of butterflies and other animals in the stomach, of heat flaring through the body. Himeros never understood it. None of the concepts appealed to him or affected him the way they were logically meant to. Himeros figured that was one of those things that made him an ineffective half-orc. He’d come to expect it and accept it. He never pursued anything with anyone nor did anyone do the same to him. 

Kissing Ban was like kissing a pillow. It was only noteworthy for the fact that it was his first kiss with anyone, and that one person kissing him was Ban. Himeros didn’t know how to respond, so he let it happen. He closed his eyes to avoid looking at how the others were reacting. 

However alien the sensation was, that didn’t stop the fact that it felt correct.It seemed so obvious. Of course, it would be Ban after all this time. 

Ban pulled away. Himeros opened his eyes right away. Ban was searching his face again. Himeros still didn’t know what he was looking for. “Was that okay?” Ban asked. 

“That was...I don’t know what that was?” Himeros admitted. “Weird?” 

Ban sighed and lied back down. Himeros figured it was over. His face felt hot like his hands right before he revived Ban. He plucked the courage to look at the others. They were all looking away except for Kai, who was as quizzical as ever. 

Ira coughed. “We should rest. We still have a long way to get to tavern sweet tavern Unless you can teleport us back to where we started?” 

Himeros shrugged. “I think that was a one-time thing.” 

“Fair. I mean, where would be the fun if life were that easy, huh?” She chuckled. 

“Yeah.” Himeros looked at Ban, who had an arm over his eyes. Himeros left him to rest. 

* * *

Ban was quiet the next day. It wasn’t the companionable silence that they shared when they were together. It was the kind that they had when they were on the boat. Except, this time, Ban was completely silent and Himeros asking the questions, mostly about his well-being. 

Back then, Himeros would’ve wished for this peace. Now, it was far from being peaceful. It gnawed on him. Whenever he caught Ban looking at him, there was a heaviness to it that Himeros didn’t like. It felt like it was his fault. 

It broke his heart. He brought Ban back only for him to put a wall of silence between them. He wasn’t sure what to do or what to say. He couldn’t lie. The kiss was strange but it wasn’t wrong. He wasn’t prepared to articulate how broken he was as a being in this world. He could turn into animals, he could cast consequential spells, he could bring people back from the brink of death, but he couldn’t feel the same way as the rest of the world. 

He liked Ban. Curse the Nine Hells, he loved Ban. But a lot of romantic stories, even stories from his papa, often called for a primal need for someone’s body. It was an attraction that Himeros—who could summon elementals and fey and animals—could not, for the life of him, summon from the depths of his erogenous zones. He was guilty of being so unlike the world that he himself couldn’t figure out what to say to someone he wanted to be with all the time but not in a capacity that he may have wanted. 

If he still wanted it.

Himeros couldn’t avoid talking to him. No matter how afraid he was of further alienating Ban, there was no reason to be afraid now. They’d faced death and kicked it back to where it belonged. It was silly to be afraid of his best friend. 

When it came time to set up camp, he volunteered for lookout duties when Ban volunteered. They were last. Himeros preferred it that way. Ban glanced at him and with a sad sigh, they laid down. 

Later, when Ira woke him and Ban up, he made the fire burn hotter and opted to share some of his food. Ban thanked him without looking at him. Himeros shrunk into himself. He was so aware of how far Ban was sitting away from him. Many minutes passed. The quiet was punctuated with eating and drinking and the crackling fire. 

“Ban?” 

“Yes?” 

Himeros raised his head to look for Ban’s gaze but caught his temple. “I’m sorry.” 

Ban sighed. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m...I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you. And I shouldn’t have avoided you like that. I guess...Nevermind.” He tossed a pebble into the fire. 

Himeros’ mind twirled in his skull. “You...I don’t understand. You regret kissing me?” 

“Don’t make this harder than it already is.” Ban huffed. 

Himeros’ face scrunched in confusion. “You’re the one who’s not making any sense. And I’m the one who’s supposed to be apologizing for making it weird.” 

“I made it weird first,” he exclaimed then winced. He turned to the others and they stayed asleep. I kissed you,” he continued, this time looking at Himeros, and with a softer voice, “not the other way around. I kissed you when I wasn’t supposed to kiss you.” 

Himeros raked a hand through his hair. “Explain?” 

Ban rolled his eyes. “You’re breaking my heart here.” 

“Explain so I can unbreak it.” 

“Look, I get it. We’re just friends. Nothing more. I’m sorry for overstepping that boundary.” 

Himeros untwirled his mind and chewed on that for a moment. Ban hurriedly brushed a finger under one of his eyes. He stared at the fire, hands clasped, knuckles white. Himeros’ heart sank. This was so clearly his fault but Ban was beating himself up over it. That was worse. 

He moved closer and, after a second of second-guessing, he put a hand over Ban’s fists. Ban unclenched his hands but the rest of his body was stiff. “I...I won’t lie. It took me by surprise. But it wasn’t weird because it was you or because you’re my friend. It was weird because it was my first kiss with anyone.” He moved a hand in between Ban’s clasped ones and he gave way after a breath. Their fingers mingled. It was a special kind of warm, having Ban all around him. 

“I was your first kiss?” Ban asked. He squeezed Himeros’ hand between his own. Their eyes met. He was searching again and Himeros had a better idea of what he was looking for. 

“Yes. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do now, actually. I’m...not…’” Himeros laughed beside himself. “It’s funny to say again but you know I’m not like a lot of half-orcs. In so many ways. I’m not attracted to people. I don’t get attracted to people. Or their bodies. That’s not something I go for.” 

“Oh.” Himeros could see Ban’s heart begin to break and he eased himself closer. 

“But I like you. A lot more than I thought I did. Your kiss made that clear for me. Maybe I should’ve noticed sooner but I guess I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t work the way you do. I’m a broken thing.” He pressed a kiss on Ban’s cheek. “But I am...attracted to you. Maybe not the same way but...I guess...I want to be around you all the time. And want to hold your hand. Is that close enough?” 

Ban broke into a grin. The same one that Himeros had missed the last several hours. He pressed their foreheads together. “It’s close enough.” 

Himeros wrapped his arms around one of Ban’s, careful to keep holding his hand, and rested his cheek on Ban’s shoulder. Ban reached over, tucking his free hand under Himeros’ knees, pulling his legs over one thigh. Himeros expected to be uncomfortable. Instead, it reminded him of his reading nook back home. 

“Just so you know,” Ban whispered, head leaned against the top of Himeros’ head, “you’re not broken. You’re different. And I like things to be different. Keeps me on my toes.” 

Himeros laughed lightly and softly. “Thank you.” 

Ban kissed the top of his head. “I hope this is okay?” 

“Yeah. Very okay.” Himeros could feel Ban’s cheeks bunch up in a large smile as he rested his head again on Himeros’. He snuggled closer. Then he began dozing off in Ban’s arms, like he was a cat under a perfect sunbeam. 

**Author's Note:**

> Songs I listened to on repeat so I could write this story:  
> 1\. Stars Are Blind - Paris Hilton  
> 2\. Red - Taylor Swift (the working title of this story was 'Loving Him was Green (Not Like That)' and I decided against it.   
> 3\. Bad Guy - Citizen Queen cover  
> 4\. Señorita - Citizen Queen cover


End file.
